My Little Peanut

Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday!

2009-12-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

Special Little Darling!
Today is the second year of your special day my little peanut. I can't say we "celebrated" but Daddy stayed home from work & Tommy stayed home from school and together with Sarah & I we all just hung out - spending time together, thinking about you.
I have pictures to post but they are still on the camera - we decorated your tree again. You have some new ornaments this year too, so I'll have to post those pictures. It was snowing off and on today and I thought it was perfect with all the snowflakes since that is how I think of you sweetie.
I've been crying a lot these last few weeks. I'm sure some of it was just being afraid to face today, but most of it was because I still miss you like crazy and I still hate this whole thing. I still want you in my arms. I hate thinking about how I should have a 2 year old little girl running around. You should be here. I miss your visits soooooo much and I'm afraid you've left me now that Sarah is here safely.
I sit here bawling - missing you, feeling of guilt for not writing on here more. Please know that I think of you everyday. I guess these feelings will never go away.
Tommy told me that he pictures you peeking over a cloud looking down on us. This made me smile and tear up at the same time. I just wish you could physically be here, even more so since the visits have stopped. Please visit soon - we miss you oh so much.
You are loved and missed everyday Peanut!
Hugs & Kisses xoxoxoxo
I hope you are enjoying your special day up there with all those lovely little friends and with your great Nannies, Nanas, Grandads & Grandpas!!
Love, Mommy!

22 months

2009-10-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

22 Months - seems like yesterday at times.
Today is the 15th of October and a day to remember lots of your little friends my sweet. I'm glad I was able to have a good cry and talk to you, and with every flicker of that candle I felt like you were here with me.
Even though I don't get on here much these days, you know you are always in my thoughts and I still miss you like crazy. I still search for some kind of answer as to why I would have to lose you in order to have Sarah? Why couldn't I have all three of you? I still feel at times that I must have done something wrong to be given this life sentence of missing you, still trying to keep the lump in my throat down, holding tears back.
You know I thank you every day for sending Sarah to us, she's such a joy and truly has helped heal my heart as much as it can, but there will always be that piece ripped out - missing.
You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo
I love you Alexandra!

20 Months

2009-08-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

My Little Angel,
The other day was 20 months since I had the privilege of meeting my daughter but having to say good bye at the same time. I miss you. I don't even know what else to say. My heart is heavy but the fact remains that I just miss you. I thought about you all day (which I do everyday) but glad that I could talk to you hoping you were close by to feel what I was feeling.
Even now I sit here in tears hating the fact that I have this blog and not being able to hug & kiss you like a mother should be able to do with all her children. Still waiting for you to visit, hope you are safe my little darling.
You are loved and missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Sleepless Night

2009-08-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Girl,
Last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling crying silently begging you to come and visit us. I feel like you believe that you are no longer needed around us or are not thought of but just the opposite it true. We miss you so much and you are always in my thoughts. I see you so much in your little sister Sarah and thank you for picking out such a precious little soul to be here with us.
I hope you are safe and please know you are thought of every day!
Hugs & Kisses My Love,
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Another Summer Day

2009-08-12T18:22:00.001-07:00

My Sweet Alexandra,
Another Summer day has gone by with you in my thoughts. I have so many pictures to post for you but seem to lack the time. Please come to visit soon, I miss you being close by where I can feel you near. I love you princess!
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

19 months

2009-07-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

My precious Alexandra,
Today you would be 19 months old and I can only imagine what you'd be doing - making us all smile and keeping us busy I'm sure. I can't explain how my heart still aches for you everyday. I am very grateful for you sending us Sarah and I see you in her all the time, but I still miss you like I did before.
I sent you some balloons today with loads of girlie barrettes on them to you and right now I can hardly see as I have been watching them float away up to you.
I feel so guilty for not sending you balloons last month and on your year and a half too. I know you understand but I still feel that guilt and I don't want you to think I am not thinking of you.
I now need to think of some other way to have your special day - maybe planting a flower next month, lighting a candle another, something different each time. I did place your garden stone outside last month and it looks beautiful just like you. It is in the backyard instead of beneath your tree for two reasons - I didn't want anyone stealing it from the front yard and secondly I like the idea of it being in the backyard where we spend most of our time and it's also where Tommy's garden stone is. I just like the feeling of you being closer to us. xoxoxoxo
I'm hoping you will come to visit soon as you know I can't get enough of your visits. I hope you can see how great your little sister is doing and I'm trying to let go of my fears of losing her too. I've been crying alot today and just miss you like crazy. I called you Sarah today and I feel guilty about that too. Just please know you are always my baby girl and I love you sooooo much.
You are loved and missed everyday little Princess!
Hugs & Kisses my Dear!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Your little sister is here

2009-05-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

My precious Alexandra,
I can't thank you enough for helping your little sister Sarah make it here safely. I have had so many emotions lately. Sarah looks so much like you my heart cracks each time I see your picture and know I will never hold you, hug & kiss you the way I am able to with Sarah. I know my "whys" will never be answered, but please know I still miss you as much as I did before Sarah arrived. You will always be my baby girl.
You are loved and missed every single moment of every single day my precious little angel.
Hugs & Kisses my love and thank you again!! xoxoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Easter

2009-04-15T10:34:00.001-07:00

My Precious Little Alexandra,

We missed you so much at Easter. You would have been almost 16 months old and I would have bought you a pretty little Easter dress. Sign. I know you were close by, you have been so good looking after this little peanut.

We had these little Easter bunnies on the table for Easter dinner and made sure that you got a little pink bunny!

Nanny and Grandad also got you this little Easter

Bunny that is sitting on top of your urn, and Mommy, Daddy & Tommy got you this little Giraffe for Easter. We miss you so much!

You are loved and missed EVERY day!

Hugs & Kisses my sweet little love!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

16 Months

2009-04-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Hello my little Princess,

Today you would be 16 months old. I can only imagine what you would be like. I know you can feel what's going on in my heart - how much I miss you. I sent you some balloons to you today along with 2 Balloons from Tommy's 4th Birthday Party. I know you were there with us, but I can't help but wish you were running around with the kids too.

I do hope you are close. I have just under 2 weeks to go before we meet this new little peanut. You have been such a good big sister making sure this little one is ok. Thank you so much. I feel like I'm scared to be happy - I hate it when people say I must be excited. Of course I can't wait to get this little one home but I'm so anxious - excited doesn't really come to mind. Many seem to think that once this little one is here that it will take away all the pain we have of losing you which is so far from the truth. I had a good cry in the bathroom yesterday, missing you, thinking of you. I know you know I miss you!

Well you are quite the little funny girl. I asked for you to take your balloons right away because it was windy today and I didn't want them being pushed into a tree - well you really did come a get them. I let go of them and whoosh - they were gone!!!!! Good girl. I love you!

You are loved and missed everyday little princess!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Your Name in the Sand

2009-03-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

Alexandra My Little Sweet Pea,

I wanted to post this picture as it's very special. A family over in Australia does this for families who have lost little ones. Your beautiful name in the sand. It's so precious like you, it brings tears to my eyes. We miss you soooo much. I wish you were with us.

You are loved and missed everyday my love.

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Empty space

2009-03-25T08:09:00.001-07:00

My precious Alexandra,
I find myself feeling so empty right now - which I guess I wasn't expecting being almost 9 months pregnant now. I just miss you so much, and find myself longing to hold you in my arms, kiss your face, smell you & just love you.
I'm sorry that I'm always asking you to watch over this new little peanut - I'm so scared something will happen. I know you're a great big sister to this peanut, I just can't get rid of this anxiety.
You will always be my little girl sweetie pie.
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses My Love!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

15 Months

2009-03-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

My Little Princess,
15 Months we have been missing you. The weather is so nice today, I sent you some bright coloured spring balloons. I hope you like them.
I have been slipping into the pit lately and was scared today was going to push me so far down there but thankfully it hasn't. You must be close by. I could cry right now but I know I'm ok. I look at your picture and at times it seems like none of this is real. How could you be gone> How could you not be in my arms? How did this happen? Why did this happen? I know these are questions that will only torment, by they still find their way into my head.
Hope you have a great day today playing with all your angel friends.
You are loved and missed every day my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses my Princess - just wish I could actually kiss your sweet soft cheek.
Love, Mommy!
xoxoxoxo

My Little Baby Girl

2009-03-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

Alexandra,
You will always be my little baby girl. 20 years from now, my baby girl. You know you go with me everywhere I go because you are always in my heart.
I miss you so much and just long for the days where I could hold you, kiss you, take care of you.
I often find myself wondering what you would look like now being just over 1 year old, and I cry because we are missing out on that. I always seem to be crying now.
You are loved and missed everyday my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Just Thinking about you & missing you

2009-03-06T16:02:00.001-08:00

My Lovely little Girl,
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and missing you - hoping you are safe and happy - helping all the other little friends you have made celebrate their heavenly birthdays. If there is a way to be more peaceful with all of this please let me know - the pain just seems to always be right around the corner. I don't want to be sad every time I think of you - it's just I miss you and what could have been so so so very much!
You will always be my baby girl and I will always be sending you lots of love!
You are loved & missed everyday my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy!

A Gift from Nanny & Grandad

2009-03-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Little Princess,

Hello my Darling - I wanted to post this picture so you could see what your Nanny & Grandad brought you back from Florida. I think it is sweet that they are thinking of you - you are never forgotten my love.

Hugs & Kisses my Little Peanut!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

14 Months

2009-02-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

My Little Princess,

I know I'm a day early - but we're going up to

Nanny & Grandad's farm and won't be around tomorrow, & I didn't want to be late sending you some balloons. I made them all red for Valentine's Day ; )

14 Months - you know it still seems like yesterday at times - I have started having dreams again of the day I delivered you - it instantly brings me to tears - I wish things had turned out so different.

I'm sure you can tell that I'm really starting to have anxiety about this new little Peanut. I am having flashbacks of things turning out the same and I try to convince myself it will be different - I'm just so scared. So please watch over this new little soul because I know you are a great big sister.

Your Big Brother was asking questions about you again. I love that he asks, just wish I were stronger to have the answers for him.

Anyway my Love, I hope you are having a great Valentine's Party with all the other little angels.

Enjoy the balloons!!

You are loved and missed everyday precious!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T12:25:00.001-08:00

My Sweet Little Alexandra,

Happy Valentine's Day my sweet - When I was picking up a little gift for Tommy & Peanut for Valentine's Day of course I had to get you something. This little Elephant just called to me - so cute and sweet. We call him Huggies as Tommy calls his Hugs.

I just wish I were giving it to you in person - I know you know how I feel. I hope you can feel all the love I am sending to you today!!

You are loved and missed everyday my little princess!

Love, Mommy!

xoxoxoxo

My Sweet Little Girl

2009-02-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandra,
Today was a strange day. I've had a cold for the past few days, and I think I'm feeling run down. I started to move some of your stuffed toys off the crib and into your memory box. It just broke my heart all over again.
I'm so glad to have another chance at bringing home a baby, but with that comes huge fears and guilt. I hate having to move your things mostly because I want you here with me! Please know when I put your things away that I am not putting you or our memories away - I could never forget you. Your little brother or sister as well as Tommy will know who you are and just how much you mean to us.
Tommy asked me today a lot of questions about you - he asked if you had a house or if you lived in the clouds. How do I answer that to a 3 year old?? He asked if you come down here and I told him that you visit us - which I hope you still will cause I am just missing you so much.
I had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound the other day, and while I was walking out I saw a brand new baby, laying naked on a change table and I had flashbacks of you only difference was this baby was crying and you were silent - A horrible horrible silence - I will never forget it.
Oh Alexandra my precious little girl - who's name your Daddy & I knew we would call our first daughter years before you were to join our family. You are missed so much, sometimes I feel like my chest is going to burst.
Alexandra please know you are loved and missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses my dear!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Great Friends

2009-01-29T17:17:00.000-08:00

My Lovely Little Peanut Alexandra,

I have been a bit lazy getting some photos downloaded but I really wanted to share this one with you.

For your 1 Year Heavenly Birthday I was surprised by a package that arrived from a wonderful friend Machele (I'm sure you've met up with Macayla). Miss Machele made a beautiful cross stitch with a snowflake (what I always think of for you) and your name. It is so precious. Imagine someone that I have never met personally, and only through expressing and going through our grief together to take the time to do something like this for us.

So Machele - thank you from the bottom of my heart - Macayla you have one very special Mommy!

Alexandra my peanut - we have some very special friends!

You are loved and missed everyday my love!

Hugs & Kisses!!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Thinking of you

2009-01-22T17:33:00.001-08:00

My Little Alexandra,
I've been thinking of you so much lately. Wondering if you are close by, wondering if I am doing you proud, wondering what you are thinking as you look down on us. I feel so confused sometimes - i wish I could just stay in bed all day. I am so nervous with this little peanut, I'm hoping you are watching over him/her. I don't think I could handle going through this again if something were to happen. I have heard so many stories, I know so much can go wrong, and ll I wanted and want to do is keep my babies safe. Why can't I do that? I feel like a bad Mommy. I try so hard.
Your Dad ..... oh your Dad, I don't even know what to say. I don't know if he's just handling things different, but I can't handle him pulling away from me. I feel so lonely. I try to act strong, but inside I am crumbling.
Please come for a visit - I need to feel you close by and give me some strength. Oh I miss you so much my little peanut.
You are loved and missed everyday my love.
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

13 months

2009-01-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Little Princess,

13 months you have been gone. I know you are in my heart and I try not to think of all the time you have been out of my arms, but whenever the 15th rolls around, I can't help it. You are always on my mind, the 15th just holds a special part of my heart for you.

I sent you some balloons with a little dolly and some flower barrettes - wishing I were putting them in your pretty blonde hair, but alas, this is the way it is going to be.

I'm still here waiting for a visit, wondering way you haven't been by - maybe busy watching over this little peanut?? I hope you know that you'll never ever be replaced. God how I miss you.

You are loved and missed everyday my little love!!!

Hugs & Kisses Princess!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Florida New Year's Trip

2009-01-08T17:22:00.001-08:00

My Dear Little Alexandra,

I want to say Happy New Year, but I know you know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm trying to be positive and feel that this year will bring only good things. I'm hoping that this new little soul makes it here with us safe and sound, and everything will be ok, but you and I know just how scared I really am. I am also trying to be stronger for you, help other Mommies that have been put in this same horrible situation.

So while in Florida to ring in the New Year, Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went to Disney World. Sometimes I would find myself tearing up seeing all the lovely little babies, wishing you were here with us, feeling that empty space in my heart. Well of course I couldn't resist getting you something. This little Tinker Bell stood out to me and I instantly thought of you.

Hoping you are safe and close by - you are loved and missed every day!!

Hugs & Kisses Peanut Butter!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Christmas time

2009-01-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

My precious little Alexandra,

I know you were with us this Christmas, I just believe it in my heart. I wanted to post some pictures of the toys and meaningful things friends and family got for you:

This lovely little angel is from your Nanny & Grandad - she is the "Thinking of you" angel. She also sits on your shelf with you, making sure you are safe.

This Silver snowflake is from Mommy, Daddy & Tommy. We always think of you as our little snowflake since you are so beautiful & unique but only here for a little while.

This little gang of cuties are from Mommy & Daddy (White Angel Bear), Great Aunt Janet & Uncle Ken (Santa), Nanny & Grandad (Snow Lady), Tommy (Reindeer), and the Santa rattle I bought for you last year before we had to say hello & good-bye at the same time.

Alexandra, I can't tell you enough just how much you are missed. You are thought of everyday and if I could change the way things turned out, you know I would do it in a second. Thank you for being close by this Christmas and giving us the strength to keep living. Oh how I miss you!

You are loved and missed every single minute of every single day! Hugs & Kisses my precious little girl!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Some Gifts from your 1 Year Heavenly Birthday

2009-01-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

My Little Alexandra,

We have such wonderful friends and family. I know I already posted some pictures of the ornaments family & friends got for your tree, well we also had some wonderful friends (Jenny & Fraser) who dropped off this beautiful angel for you. She sits on the shelf with you, watching over you, keeping you safe.

We love and miss you everyday precious!!!

Hugs & Kisses!

Lov Mommy! xoxoxoxo

New Year

2009-01-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

Alexandra - my little princess,
Just got back from Florida, but I know you were there with us. You always are no matter where we go. I love you and miss you so much.
Even as I write, trying to get out how much stronger I am going to be this year - my eyes fill with tears. I'm sorry I can't be stronger - I am trying.
I have some Christmas pictures to post for you, so as soon as I get myself sorted I will get them up here.
Now I don't think I've posted about this - but I wanted you to know how much I am grateful to you for picking out a new little soul to join our family. I have started to feel this little one move, and I am trying to stay positive. (Even though I get very anxious still) I don't want to have to bury another child. Please look out for this little soul. God I miss you. Please come and visit me soon!
You are loved and missed every day my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Ornaments for you!

2008-12-21T14:20:00.001-08:00

Sweetie, here's a picture of your tree with the ornaments on it.

The glass dove is from your Nanny & Grandad.

The 2 angels are from your Nana & Grandpa & Uncle Matt.

The snowflake is from Mommy, Daddy & Tommy.

The glass angel is from Lisa who said good bye to her little boy Peyton the same way we had to with you, I'm sure you guys are hanging out together.

The key chains are from my Cousin Kelly and Abigail would be your second cousin.

The white star is from Aunty Alison's In-Laws (Uncle Drew's parents)

The snowman is from Aunty Wendy, Mr. Anthony, Ashley & Mike.

The little Angel lighting a candle and other angel holding a lantern are from your Aunty Tracy, Uncle Peter, Bill, Chelsea, Amy & David.

This cute little snowlady is from my Aunt Janet & Uncle Ken (Your Great Aunt & Uncle)

This little sheep is from your Aunty Alison, Uncle Drew & Nate.

So many precious ornaments for you - you have so many people that love you and miss you. You really are loved & missed everyday!

Hugs & Kisses my Peanut!

Love, Mommy!

1 Year Heavenly Birthday Things

2008-12-21T14:18:00.001-08:00

Sweety, here's a picture of the napkins (I wrapped them up and had little dollies holding them together, then the other picture is of your tree with the snowflake ornament that Mommy, Daddy & Tommy got for you.

xoxoxo

1 Year Heavenly Birthday card

2008-12-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Little Alexandra,

I'm finally getting to posting your pictures of your 1 year heavenly Birthday. You know we miss you so much and always wish that you were here with us on earth.

You will always be my little daughter who I love so so so much. I hope you were happy with your 1 year. I can only imagine the kind of party you had up there!!

Here is a picture of the cards I had made up and you can see the pins that I gave out to everyone at the bottom corner. Sweet little pink ribbon with baby footprints inthe middle.

Hugs & Kisses my Peanut - you are loved and missed everyday!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

1 year ago....

2008-12-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Little Alexandra,
1 year ago - you changed my life. Maybe I was taking things for granted, maybe I wasn't loving the way I could, I'm not sure, but after losing you - things have been so different. I have been trying to be a better person (doesn't always happen) but I think of you looking down at me from heaven and I want you to be proud of me. Still believing I'm teaching you right and wrong. I don't know, it sounds kind of silly but I still think this way.
I will post pictures later as I haven't really collected myself.
We had the family over yesterday which was really nice. Everyone brought an ornament for your tree outside - we all went out and placed them on your tree. It was peaceful. You truly are loved and missed.
Today, Daddy, Tommy & I pretty much just hung out. Having some good family time. Please visit us soon - we miss you and need to feel you close by. You will always be part of this family, so don't stay away too long.
You are loved & missed everyday Peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Almost a year ago

2008-12-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

My little peanut,
I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm crying all the time, missing you so much, feels like it just happened. O thought I was doing pretty good, but I seem to be falling apart. Don't know how I'm going to put on the brave face all day tomorrow with the family over. I know they will understand if I break down, but I'm trying to be strong.
I will make sure to post the cards I had made up for you. I also got everyone coming a little pin that has a pink ribbon and little baby footprints. I wrapped all the knives and forks up in pink napkins being held together by little dollies. I made pink cupcakes and got you some balloons. i just want you to know that you are not forgotten - I could NEVER do that, we all miss you so very much and we LOVE YOU!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come for a visit - they bring me strength and peace and I seem to be missing that a lot lately.
You are loved and missed everyday my little one!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

A year ago

2008-12-05T11:01:00.001-08:00

My Little Peanut,
I have been thinking about you so much lately. I keep remembering what I was doing last year - Christmas shopping, wrapping your little Christmas present for your stocking, finding the prefect little toys, clothes, soothers for you.
It was so hard to go back and have to unwrap the gifts you never got to open.
I cry all the time now - at home, at work, in the shower, in bed, in my dreams.
Your 1 year is fast approaching and I feel like I'm falling apart.
Please come to visit me soon - I miss you so much.
You are loved & missed every single day my love.
Hugs & Kisses xoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Getting ready for your 1 year

2008-11-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

My precious little peanut,
Your 1 year is coming up soon, and I'm trying to get things ready for you. I have had some cards made up to give to very close friends & family, and we have invited our families over the day before to remember you and let you know just how much you are loved and missed. I know I can't be one of those people that celebrate your 1st birthday type of thing, and we're not the tyoe to have a memorial service. I hope you are ok with it just being your family, sedning you LOTS and LOTS of love. I have asked everyone to bring an ornament for your tree we planted outside, so make sure to be close so you can see. On your actual day it is just going to be Me, Daddy and your big Brother - hanging out - feeling that empty space in our lives. Geez even as I type this I'm in total tears (at the office!!) I'm sorry Honey I just miss you sooo much!
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses my Princess!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

11 Months

2008-11-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

My Little Alexandra,
I know you see everything I do, how I act, how I feel, so please know that when I cry & cry that's it's only because I love you so much. I miss you and can't believe that it has been 11 months. I do stop myself at times from having those thoughts of you being 11 months old only because my heart can't handle the ache. I do love to think about you but these thoughts always are joined with thoughts of needing you with me, not understanding why you had to leave.
I hope you finally got your balloons - they were stuck in a tree & I haven't been able to bring myself to see if they are still there - can't even do that right. I'll post pictures later, but know that I love you SOOOOOO much.
You are loved & missed everyday peanut!!
Hugs & Kisses!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Thinking of you - Missing you

2008-11-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

My Precious little Alexandra,
I've been thinking of you so much lately, and I'm filled with so much more sorrow. The thoughts of what you would be like, what you would be doing keep filling my head. I saw a picture of Tommy when he was about a year old, and I couldn't stop thinking about what you would look like at that age.
I hope you hear me saying good night to you every night, hoping you are safe. I am longing to see you again, hold you in my arms, just having the world be right again.
You are loved and missed every day my little peanut.
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

LadyBug

2008-10-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

My Precious Little Alexandra,

Every time I go away on a trip I always buy something for Tommy. Even though you are not with us here on earth, you are still deep in my heart. You have changed me forever - I will always carry you with me, never forgetting. So whenever I get something for Tommy when I'm away, I get you something too.

I've brought back a key chain with your name on it from New York, A Dragon Fly pin from our friend's cottage up north, A diamond zipper pull from Los Vegas, and now a little Lady Bug from Daddy & my latest trip to Huntsville. These are just little things I pick up for you to let you know that I am always thinking about you.

You are loved & missed everyday my love!

Hugs & kisses my Peanut!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Little Puppy

2008-10-24T06:52:00.001-07:00

Alexandra My Love,

I wanted to post a picture of the cutest little Puppy your Aunty Tracy got for you. You are sneaky!! You did the same thing to your Aunty as you have done with me!! Aunty Tracy said this little Puppy kept looking at her and all she could think of was you!! I am so thankful that the family hasn't forgotten about you - how could they? We all miss you so much. I hope you can feel all that love that is being sent up to you.

You are loved & missed every day peanut butter!!!

Hugs & Kisses my precious little girl!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

(Thanks Aunty Tracy!)

10 Months

2008-10-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

Alexandra my little Princess,

I've been meaning to get these pictures of your 10 month mark on here, but have just been so distracted. I'm so sorry. Please know you are always on my mind - I love you and miss you so much - I just want you back.

Daddy & I were away this day but we made sure to still send you your dolly & balloon! It doesn't matter where we are - we always think of you and wish you were with us.

You are loved & missed every day peanut!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Thanksgiving

2008-10-10T14:29:00.001-07:00

My Little Peanut,
This weekend is Thanksgiving - another holiday I will not be holding you, kissing you, loving you. I will be thinking of you of course!! Nanny & Grandad have taken Tommy up to their farm to hang out with the cousins since Daddy & I are getting away for our 5 year Wedding Anniversary.
I know while we're away your 10 month mark will come, and I've already made up your little card and have a little dolly and things to send up to you. Watch out for them!!
You know you are loved and missed every single day my precious little princess.
Hugs & Kisses!! xoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Alexandra my little Peanut

2008-10-02T15:39:00.001-07:00

Myspace Layouts

Your Memory Box

2008-10-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

My Little Princess,

Since the day I realized that I would need to find somewhere to put all your things, I knew I wanted a nice Memory Box for you. I searched and searched, and even had your Nanny helping me look. I wasn't having much luck, so Nanny asked someone who lives up by them if they could make one - well they did and it is perfect. Your Nanny & Grandad got it for you which I think makes it very special.

It also has a cedar bottom to keep all your things nice. Now I actually have to bring myself to put some of your things in there. I'm not really ready to do that, but I know you will understand when that time comes.

You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut.

Hugs & Kisses my love!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

A Little Hippo

2008-09-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

Alexandra,

Thank you for giving me the strength to go into Babies R us the other day to buy little Nate's 1 year Birthday present. I asked you to be close to me and give me strength, and the present I wanted to get him was the first item I saw. Then you sent me a little whisper and I saw this tiny Hippo starring at me. I had to get her for you.

Stay close this weekend, it's going to be difficult to watch your cousin turn one when you should be so close behind him. You guys would have been great buddies.

You are loved & missed everyday my precious little Peanut.

Hugs & Kisses Baby Girl!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

9 Month Balloons & Dolly

2008-09-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

My Little Peanut Alexandra,

I just wanted to post a few pictures of your balloons and dolly I just sent up to you. I hope you enjoy them.

I'm sorry this has to be the way I get my precious little girl her dollies to her. Know that I love you so much, and I miss you everyday!

I need to find the other camera so I can post pictures of your memory box from Nanny & Grandad, as well as our Magnolia tree for you.

You are loved & missed everyday, my little peanut.

Loads of hugs & kisses! xoxoxo

Love, Mommy!

9 Months

2008-09-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Alexandra,
9 Months, 9 Long difficult months have passed since I held you in my arms aching for you to cry, move, something, anything. The day seems like yesterday. I can still see it all so clear. At times I feel like I have come so far, and then there are days like these where all I do is cry and try to find ways to hide my tears.

I just miss you so much and NOTHING I do is going to bring you back to me. I kiss your urn every night and tell you I love & miss you hoping you can feel the love that I have for you.

So many things have happened lately that I'm just not ready to put on your site, things that make me so mad, sad, heart broken. Maybe I'm still carrying allot of anger around. Sometimes the way people react, respond, behave around me, makes me wonder what is going through their heads. How could they be so cold, so insensitive? Still trying to deal with these people, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt........

Nanny & Grandad got you a beautiful memory box, so we can put all the things we have for you, somewhere safe. I have a picture and will post it later. I still have to download the picture of your beautiful tree we put in the front yard for you.

I have more I want to write, but it feels a little too full of anger, and that's not what I want this site to be about. Yes I'm hurting, but you help me heal.

You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses Sweetie!! xoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

How much more can I miss you?!?!?!?!

2008-09-08T08:18:00.001-07:00

My Little Alexandra,
All I can say is that I miss you SOOOOOO much! I really need a visit from you. I did have a dream last night and thought I could smell perfume or flowers, so I'm hoping that was you!! Today is a day for just crying and crying. next week will be your 9 month mark and it is breaking my heart. Please come for a visit.
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses my precious little girl! xoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Your Tree

2008-09-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Well my Little Love,
We finally planted your Magnolia tree. The front yard is still getting worked on, so I haven't placed your stepping stone out there yet (don't want to chance it getting ruined), so hopefully this weekend everything will be done and we can place your stone, and I will take some pictures for you.
I miss you so much and I try to do these things to have you remembered, but at times it feels all so pointless, empty........ I'm sorry, you know I/We will never forget you, I just wish I had you in my arms.
You are loved and missed everyday my Princess!
Hugs & Kisses! xoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Another Day

2008-08-25T06:01:00.001-07:00

My Beautiful Alexandra,
I guess today is the official day of our vacation starting. I know things would be different if you were here. I can't seem to let go of those thoughts. I seem to think about you being peaceful and safe and that makes me a little more calm, but then the feeling of missing you washes over me.
We are going camping today, something Tommy loves to do and we enjoy watching him get excited over the tent, camp fire, marshmallows, etc. You would have been almost 9 months old and I know you would have been sure a pleasure to have there. I'd have your playpen there, your little swimsuit, sunhat and toys. God I miss you.
My head is in such a strange place - I don't know which direction I'm heading in, so a visit from you would be fantastic.
You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut.
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

2008-08-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

My Little Peanut Alexandra,

I needed to post your balloons that Machele sent to you!!! I think it is so sweet that someone I have never met before thinks about my precious baby girl too! Hopefully you are playing with her precious little one Macayla - I'm sure you guys were fast friends!! Make sure to watch over us, come for visits and send us strength & love!! We miss you Sweeties!!!!

You are loved & missed everyday!

Hugs & Kisses my peanut!

Love, Mommy!! xoxoxo

8 Months

2008-08-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

My Little Peanut Alexandra,
8 Months..........8 Months you've been gone. My heart is still filled with sorrow, tears, regret and just plain sadness. Day by day, moment by moment, one step infront of another. I've been told this, I even tell it to new Mommies of angels that I meet. I don't know what else to do.
I guess time has helped deal with the falls into the pit but the falls still happen. I now try to tell myself - "as long as you are peaceful & safe, I will be ok."
I look at your precious little picture and I ache for you, I have flashbacks of the day I met you. You're so beautiful, so precious, so tiny. I just wish I could have taken you home, seen your eyes, heard your giggle. I hate myself for being so frightened that I didn't even get a picture of me or Daddy holding you. I regret that so much.
So I sit here and cry at the computer thinking of what Tommy was like at 8 months and how you would be like that now. It breaks my heart.
Please come for a visit - I miss you so much and your visits always make me calm, peaceful and give me strength. Daddy needs a visit too - he's missing you so much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

My Little Girl

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

Sweetie Pie Alexandra,
I have been trying to keep the thoughts of you being peaceful and safe in my head and push out the sad ones but sometimes it's just too hard. My feelings of missing you knock me down and I cry at the littlest thing. I feel like a weak broken shell of who I use to be.
I have been short with Tommy this last week and feel like you knew I wouldn't be able to handle two children. Are these thoughts just ones of missing you so much or do they hold weight?? I've been asking you to find that soul to bring to us and let us take home, but I'm scared that this is something that just won't happen.
I need to find a way to be more patient with Tommy and I'm trying to be the best parent I can and at the same time learn to live with being without you. Please send me strength cause sometimes the sadness is just too much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Stronger Days??

2008-08-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

My Little Peanut,
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went up to the farm this weekend with friends and did some camping. I always worry whenever I am going to be around baby girls but this weekend was different. For the first time I was able to remove myself from seeing you in every baby girl I see. I have my own moments with you now. Instead of being knocked over the head with the 'what should have been' thoughts when I see a baby girl - I seem to be thinking of you more on my own. Us having our own little conversations. I hope you could feel me sending up my love and thoughts to you last night while I was starring at the stars. I really miss you but feel that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you are still searching out your little Brother/Sister!!
Sorry - I had to take a moment to have a good cry and I feel pretty foolish as I was just about to write how strong I have been feeling these last couple of days.
You are loved & missed EVERY SINGLE day!
Higs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Just another day - without you

2008-07-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

My Sweet little Love,

Today seems to be just another one of those days where I am missing you terribly. Started from the moment I woke up, thoughts of the day I found out you wouldn't be coming home with us filled my head in the shower, all morning and even now while I sit at work trying to concentrate on a floorplan - you keep popping in my head.

Why do I always seem to focus on the horrible moments, the saddest moments? I wish I could reflect back to looking at your tiny little face for the first time thinking how beautiful you are, how much you look like your brother & be filled with warm thoughts rather than just heartache and tears.

Just another day......

Hugs & Kisses my sweet little girl - you are loved and missed EVERY day!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Bad Things Happen To Good People

2008-07-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

A Friend of mine posted this note on her blog and when I read it I got goose bumps. It helps me to look at things a little different. I just wanted to share. So thank you (you know who you are) for writing something so precious.

Immediately after (my son) died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this.
That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something.
I ran through all the different reasons in my own head of why I might be chosen to be punished and tortured like this.
And then at some point it came to me.
I wasn’t being punished.
How could being the mother of such a beautiful tiny child be considered a punishment?
And as I look around me (figuratively speaking) I see so many other women, good women, compassionate women, loving women, going through the same torture.
It can’t possibly be a punishment for wrongdoing.
And I have come to believe that we were chosen, to be the mothers of these babies that were not destined to live on this earth with us, because we are strong. We are loving. And we will love these little lost children for the rest of our lives, and honour them in every way we can.
So yes, we were chosen. But not because we were bad people.
Rather, because we are good people.
Because we have it in us to honour these little people in the best way.
It takes an incredible woman to lose their child, and still love and honour them every single day.

A Brother's Love

2008-07-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

My Little Alexandra,
The day you lead me to the mall and I happened upon Pinky bum - I knew you wanted her. Your brother has the brown one we call Monkey Bum, so it seemed only appropriate. Tommy has noticed Pinky Bum on your shelf for a couple of days now and kept asking where his Monkey Bum was. I saw Tommy hugging Monkey Bum today and then I noticed he had placed his monkey Bum up with your Pinky Bum. It made me cry because I only realize more what could have been - Brother & Sister.
We love you and miss you so much.
Hugs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Rose Bush

2008-07-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

Sweet Little Alexandra,
Your Auntie Wendy just planted a rose bush for you and I wanted to show you the lovely job she did. It's a beautiful pink rose bush and I think it is beautiful just like you. I love how there is one single rose there right above the angel. Precious.
I have a couple more pictures of your rose bush and it has bloomed some more beautiful flowers, it's so pretty.
Your family loves you so so so much, and we will never forget you - you are always on my mind!!!

So my precious little girl, shine down on us and let us feel you close by!

You are loved & missed everyday!!
Hugs & Kisses my peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

7 Months

2008-07-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

Alexandra My Little Girl,

7 Months...sigh, The things we should be doing together right now won't leave my mind. I have walked around with tears in my eyes all day. Oh how I miss you!!!!

This little picture is of Pinky Bum (since your brother has a brown one called monkey bum) You lead me to this little monkey so I had to get it for you. I placed all the little bug buttons I sent up to you today on her, so I could have a picture to remember.

I'm not even sure what to type right now because all that's going through my head is "I miss you so much, I love you, why did you have to go??"

I've been asking for a visit, and I know Daddy needs one too - please visit us, we miss you so much.

So my precious little peanut - look out for your balloons with your little dragonfly, ladybug & butterfly buttons - I hope you like them!
I love you & miss you every day!
Hugs & Kisses My Little Darling!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Trying

2008-07-10T07:38:00.001-07:00

My Sweet Little Alexandra,
Just thought I would let you know what's been going through my head lately. These thoughts have left me feeling somewhere in the middle of happy & sad - no man land kind of.
Mommy & Daddy have decided to try to have another baby. I am really hoping that you will help pick this little soul to join our family. I can't even type this without crying and feeling guilty. You know I would never try to replace you - I KNOW it can't be done!!!! I wish you were in my arms right now but I know you understand. We will need lots of strength from you to help us through this.
I'm excited and scared so much to get pregnant again. I had convinced myself that after having you I was DONE! My feelings have changed and I still want Tommy to have a brother or sister. I have heard conversations from other Mommies who have lost their dear babies like I lost you, wanting the next rainbow baby to be the same sex as the one who had to leave, but I don't think I really mind. I will ALWAYS have my little girl. Please just let this little one come home with us, grow up healthy & safe.
So my sweet little baby girl, start looking around for your little brother or sister. I love you & miss you EVERYDAY!!!!!!
Hugs & Kisses my Peanut!!!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Long Weekend

2008-07-05T09:34:00.001-07:00

My Sweet Little Peanut,

I missed you while we were away and thought of you all the time. Can't get the thought out of my head how our lives should be different right now. It still seems surreal at moments.

While away, I went into a store and as I was looking around I was drawn to something, and all I could think of was you. It's a little Dragonfly with pinkish crystals in it. I had to get it for you. You still are very much a part of this family and I hope you can feel that you are thought of while we are away on trips, you are thought of all the time and loved so much. We miss you and look forward to the day when we can hold you again.

Hugs & Kisses my little peanut!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Another Long Weekend Without You

2008-06-28T10:50:00.001-07:00

My Sweet Little Peanut,
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy are heading up north for another long weekend and I'm really hoping you'll be able to be close to us. We miss you so much and I can't stop thinking that I should be packing up tons of baby things, sorting out your bottles, cereal, etc. trying to make it all fit into the car!!
You know I wish you here all the time and pray that you are ok and that I will see you again one day.
Loving you & missing you everyday Peanut!!
Hugs & Kisses!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Need a visit

2008-06-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Angel,

I hope you are visiting with all your dear angel friends, your nannies & grandad's but I would love to have a visit from you. I am missing you so much lately, I feel I am going backwards. Your visits always give me strength. Daddy needs a visit too. He has been thinking about you so much lately and I know he is hurting.

I had a dear friend make me a new signature insert for the Full Term Loss thread I practically live on - I love it! I think the friends I have made on that board are so wonderful and have helped me through so much. I hope you are playing with their sweeties, and watching over all of us!!

I love you and miss you everyday my little Peanut!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

(Thanks Christine for a beautiful job!!)

6 Months Missing You

2008-06-16T09:50:00.001-07:00

My Lovely little peanut,

6 Months feels like forever & yesterday at the same time. It's such a strange feeling. I miss you so much and don't know how I've gotten through some of these days. I know I will hold you in my arms again, but they ache for you until I do.

I sent you your balloons (a pink one, a dark purple one and a light purple one) I added this little ladybug for you to play with.

Nanny & Grandad gave us some "Forget Me Nots" to put in our garden. They are blue and pink ones, and I can't wait to plant them. We all miss you so much.

I love you and miss you everyday.

Hugs & Kisses my Baby Girl,

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

6 Months.......

2008-06-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

My little Peanut,
I know you know I miss you SOOOOOOOO much, it hurts.
Daddy & I went to the bank today about financing a pool and I couldn't help but think I should have a 6 month old rolling around, looking forward to splashing with in this pool. I know your Big brother will have a great time, I just wish you were here with us. I would have bought you the cutest little baby bikini, sun hat, little girly sunglasses....sigh

6 Months - it has been haunting me this whole month. I feel ill about it. My head can't seem to wrap it's self around the thought of what has actually happened. I want to move on and dissappear at the same time.

How can it feel like I've felt like this forever and it's still raw at the same time???? Time heals all, my ass. Sorry - I'm just struggling. I'm in my office right now typing this and crying. Nothing new lately.

I am trying not to hold onto all this hurt, guilt, horrible feelings, but lets just say for right now they have taken over for awhile. I know I will be ok, I'll still go on missing you terribly, but your Mommy is a fighter and I know I will hold you again one day.

Love & miss you everyday sweetie!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxox

Happy Birthday to your Great Nanny

2008-06-07T06:48:00.001-07:00

My Little Love,
Today would have been your great Nanny's 90th birthday. She was a wonderful lady, funny & sweet. Your great Nanny left us shortly before you were to join her, so I know you two must be together. Please give her lots of angel kisses and lots of love, and let her know that we are thinking of her and missing her too.

It would be wonderful if you could give your Nanny a little visit today. She has been through so much lately and would love a little visit from you.

I miss you & love you everyday Alexandra!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Grey Days

2008-06-05T06:22:00.001-07:00

Hello My Little Sweetie Pie,
I'm not sure if it's the rainy days, or just the fact that I have to go on living my life without you that has really put me in a down mood. I can't seem to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I thought I was past this. I will always be upset, missing you, wanting you in my arms, but I thought that I was getting to the point where I could go a day without crying like the day I lost you.

I keep hearing that I should go talk to the therapist but what more do I have to say? I know and understand that you are never coming back, I know I'm allowed to be sad, and I allow these moments to happen, so what am I going to hear that I haven't already? I just can't seem to stop wishing for you to be with me and then I cry because you can't.

I really hope you come for a visit soon, I feel so broken without you. Daddy needs you too. He's trying to be so strong, but I can tell he needs to have you close to him. He talks about you all the time now, and I'm glad he is opening up about missing you.

I love you & miss you everyday my little peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Your Flowers

2008-05-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to post the flowers that I got for you. I HAD to buy you something!!! I hope you like them! I thought they were pretty girly colours.

Not that you can make out what else is on the shelf, but right by your wish stone is a little keychain from New York with your name on it. I picked it up when Mommy & Daddy were in New York. I can't go anywhere without getting you something. You are still my daughter and I love you very much.

There is also your bracelet that Mommy made for you. Yours is half the size of my bracelet but they are exactly the same. And lastly there is a butterfly barrett. I sent the other one up to you with your Long Weekend balloons. I am always thinking of you and holding you in my heart my love. Hope you are peaceful and safe.

Love & Miss you everyday!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxoxo

Garden, Tree, Something....

2008-05-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

My Sweetie,
I've always said that I'm going to plant you a Magnolia tree in the front yard & I already have the stepping stone ready for that. Daddy & I are meeting with the landscapers on Monday to discuss our garden layout and I'm very excited to get things started. I will make sure to post pictures so everyone can see your beautiful tree.

I also have some roses - I ended up getting yellow and cream. I still want to pick up some pink ones but I'm not sure where to plant these ones. I originally thought I would plant them beside the ones Tommy has always gotten me for Mother's day but now I'm just not sure. I'll post an update when they are planted as I'm excited to get those in the garden too.

I feel like I've just been searching for things to keep me busy and my mind going, but I found myself crying in Tommy's toyroom closet the other day, not wanting to come out and face the world without you. Why can't you just come back to me and everything be the way I wanted it? You should be playing with your Cousin Nate (he's only 3 months older than you should be) Geez I just wish you were here so badly.

I cry all the time now and seem to be more weepy than usual. I've been told it gets easier to deal with these emotions but lately it just feels like too much to handle. If you could, can you send me some loving vibes - I miss you sooooooo much.

I love and miss you every single day my peanut!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxox

A Quilt for Angels

2008-05-27T11:35:00.001-07:00

My Sweet little Alexandra,

One of my dear friends who I met on a full term loss thread is making up a quilt from patches of all your angel baby friends. I think it is a wonderful idea. Each Mommy is making up their own patch and then Mayda is going to put them all together. Just precious.

Well I finally finished my patch for you!!

You know I'm not great at sewing, so thankfully I got some help from Nanny. She did all the writing on it and I attached the flowers, angel, snowflakes & heart. I hope it's ok. Now I'm going to make you a matching pillow to remind us of all the caring ladies & angel babies we have made friends with.

I hope that I can get a picture of the quilt once it is completed so I can post it here for everyone to see.

I love you & miss you everyday Peanut!

Love, Mommy!

Sad, Happy, Sad......

2008-05-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Peanut,
First let me say I just miss you to pieces. I wish so much for you to be here with us.
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy headed out for a drive today and to meet up with friends. It was such a beautiful day. We were in the convertible with the sun shining down on us. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I felt 'good' deep inside. I raised my face towards the sun and just let the warmth sink in. I felt good. As soon as I felt good, I felt horrible. I was enjoying this family outing without you. My eyes filled with tears and the guilt consumed my heart. I hope you know that I just want you with me. I wish you never had to leave.
Well I made it through the rest of the day and you are never far from my thoughts. Daddy and I hit the hot tub tonight and we both saw a shooting star. We were both thinking the same thing because after I said, "did you see that?" and the way your Daddy answered me, I know we thought it was a sign from you. So you were with us today.
Come for a visit to Mommy & Daddy - we miss you so so so much.
I love you and miss you every day!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Your Cherry Tree

2008-05-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Alexandra,
I had to show this beautiful cherry tree that your Nanny & Grandad planted for you at their home. I think it is beautiful just like you. I am so glad that Nanny & Grandad planted this tree, so now when I head up to the farm for a visit, I will be able to look at this beautiful tree and picture you. I'll make sure to post pictures of it growing and blooming pretty little blossoms.
Mommy & Daddy will be planting you Magnolia tree in our front yard soon, and I'll make sure to post a picture when we do. We miss you so much and just want to do things to have you remembered. We will never forget you and have you in our hearts forever and ever.
Love you always, my little peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxox

Long Weekend

2008-05-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Little Peanut,
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went away for our May long weekend, and I missed you very much. Every moment, everything we did, I kept thinking how it would be so different if you were here with us. I would be pushing the stroller, Daddy would be running after Tommy, etc. I miss you so much, I don't even know what else to say. I know it is different to read those words than how I feel writing them. They ache out of me. Those words carry a weight so heavy, I have a hard time breathing.
I just wish you were here with you family being loved and adored in person. i still love and adore you, just in our special way now.
Mommy loves and misses you every day peanut.
Love, Mommy! xoxo

5 Months

2008-05-15T07:12:00.001-07:00

Hello my little Peanut,
I can't believe today has been 5 months that I have been without you. I love you & miss you everyday! I hope you are peaceful and having fun with all your friends you have made. I will be sending you your balloons today, so keep a watch for them!!
I can't help thinking about what you would be doing if you were still here with me - rolling over, giggles, wearing pretty little outfits. I have to stop thinking about it cause it only makes me cry.
I'm having a real problem seeing other little girls cause I get so jealous and I want you here so bad. I feel horrible for getting jealous and feel like I'm not showing you a good example, but sometimes I get weak and these feelings come through. Come for a visit today as Daddy & I really need it! We miss you terribly and just wish we could turn back the hands of time and change how everything turned out. Until we figure out how to do that, we will just go on missing you and longing for you to be with us.
You are my daughter that I will never watch grow up, never hear your precious giggle, the list goes on and on. Just know that you are always in my heart and always on my mind.
I love you peanut!
Love, Mommy!

New Pretty Picture

2008-05-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hi my little Sweetie!

I was so Happy to see this arrive in my email today! I love seeing your picture! I think you are so beautiful and I wish every moment I could hold you in my arms. I miss you so much and just hope I can find a way to get more peaceful.

I look at the size of your hands!!! Wow, you would of had such a grip!! Your brother had hands just like that too when he was born! You have my bent pinky fingers, so does Grandad!!! We miss you so much!

I love & miss you everyday!

Love, Mommy xoxox

Stepping Stone

2008-05-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Sweetie Pie,

Yesterday was a good day, with you visiting me and then I got your stepping stone delivered. this is the stone I am going to put at the base of the Magnolia tree we are going to plant for you this Spring.

I love it! xoxoxoxoxo

Daddy told me that he has been thinking about you a lot and he would really love a visit from you too. He doesn't talk about things too much as I think it hurts him too much, but he's hurting and misses his little girl. Please come down and visit with you Daddy - he loves & misses you soooo much.

I love you little peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxox

Smelling the Roses?

2008-05-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hello my Sweetie,
Well today I was at work, and you caught me off guard. My whole office filled up with the smell of roses. I know we have no roses in the office, so I knew it was you with me. I cry because I love to feel you next to me, so don't get scared off. I LOVE IT! I love your visits.

(Now anyone reading this probably thinks I've gone off the deep end, but if there is the slightest chance my daughter is visiting me, I will take it. I find now I search for signs. I just love her visits, they bring such a feeling of peacefulness with them. If I can't hold her in my arms, then this will do.)

The roses remind me of the last time I saw you peanut. You looked so perfect and in your pretty pink outfit. I don't know how they got me out of there without you hidden under my jacket!!

I'm going to plant some pink & cream coloured roses this spring and everytime I look at them they will remind me of you. Daddy will probably have to pull me head out of the rose bushes a few times!!!! Thank you so much for the visit, it means the world to me.

I love you and miss you everyday!
Love, Mommy! xoxo

Miss You So Much

2008-04-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Alexandra,
I have been trying to keep myself busy with work, the memory book, other things, but I can't find that peaceful 'new normal'. I feel like I never will. I miss you sooooo much, I feel my heart is completely broken in two.
I hope you can feel the love I have for you. I feel it so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. So many questions, so confused as to why this happened. Will I ever know? I look forward to the day we will see each other again & I can hold you in my arms & hug & kiss you!!
I love & miss you everyday!
Love, Mommy!

Memory Book

2008-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hello my sweet dear,
I am trying to put together a memory book for you with all my pictures of you from our first ultrasound to our last moments together. It's harder than I thought because I just want everything to be perfect for you and it's hard to go to the store to get all the little crafty things. They are so girly and have saying like 'first tooth' 'first haircut' 'ballarina'. I will never get these things with you. It makes me cry but what doesn't now.

I miss you so much and just pray that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you can see me, your Daddy & Brother. Send us lots of love and come for little visits ok, because we miss you terribly.

Hopefully when I'm finishing pages of the memory book I will scan them and post them here, but sorry I'm not much of a scrap book type of person. : )

Little Peanut - go play and be happy with your little friends. Hopefully you have seen your Nannies & Grandads & gotten lots of kisses & hugs from them. But remember to come and see me! I miss you & love you everyday!!

Love, Mommy!

Alexandra - December 15, 2007

2008-04-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

A day I will NEVER forget. This day changed my life, my husband's life forever.
It all started on Friday, December 14th, 2007. I was Christmas shopping at the mall with my Mom & sister. I was 1 week over due and anxious to have this baby arrive. My husband & I decided not to find out the baby's sex and we wanted the wonderful surprise when he/she was born. Little did we know what type of surprise we were going to get. Well at noon I started feeling contractions and was very excited that it was starting. It had been a rough three weeks with 'false' labour, thinking my water broken, stress tests because the baby wasn't moving much. Each time sent home being told 'your water hasn't broken, you're not in labour, the baby is fine'.

My Mom, Sister & I headed to the hospital and I got hooked up to the monitor to listen to the heartbeat and waited for the doctor to see if I was progressing. My husband showed up very excited ready to meet his child. The heartbeat was good, the contractions were getting stronger and stronger until I could hardly handle it. My Doctor came in and checked me out and told me I WASN'T in labour. I started to cry - I must be, it hurt like hell, what else was it. I was told to go home and come back when the contractions lasted 1 minute. (Oh I was in the hospital for 4 hours hooked up to that monitor)

I went home in tears. 4 hours passed. I was in so much pain and then I started to bleed which I was told by the hospital that this was a preshow so now to come in to the hospital. Now I was excited. As we were leaving I went into my son's room, watched him sleep, leaned over and kissed his forehead and whispered "I'm off to the hospital to bring you home a brother or sister, sleep tight sweetie.' I will never forget doing that. I feel like I jinx myself.

We walked into the hospital excited to welcome this little peanut. THe burse took us into our delivery room and hooked us up to the monitor. NOTHING.... as soon as I heard that silence I just knew. We had never had a problem find the heartbeat before but I just keep praying they'd find it. Another nurse comes in, then another, then the doctor with the ultra sound machine. I remember whimpering my husband's name, saying somethings wrong. the tears were streaming already. Then the doctor looked at me and said,"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat" I couldn't help this horrific scream that came out of me - NO we were just here 4 hours ago, YOU SENT ME HOME!!!!! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Now my husband & I are left inthe room crying wondering what happened.............I still have to deliver this baby. I was scared so much. I didn't want to. No No maybe if I don't have the baby this didn't really happen..... I think I lost my mind that night.

The nurses drugged me up and I didn't deliver until 1:45am the next day. December 15th, 2007 I met my daughter, Alexandra. She was perfect, just like her big brother. She was 7 lbs and 15 oz. She had my chin and pinky fingers. She had her Dad's long legs and big feet. She was BEAUTIFUL. How do you say Hello & Good-bye in the same moment?

I think I was still in shock because I just did what people told me. You've got to give her back now. I didn't hold her long enough, I didn't want to give her back. I didn't take any pictures of us holding her, I didn't look into her eyes, so many things I would have done but I was just too numb to know. These thoughts haunt me.

Alexandra passed away due to a fricking cord accident. She had the cord around her neck 5 times and also a knot in it. I still don't understand many things & I never will until the day I am reunited with my precious little peanut. I use to be scared to die, now I have a little angel waiting there for me. So when my time does come, there will be no fear at all.

Thank you for reading my story, it helps to get it out, and I would love to have my daughter remembered.

Alex, peanut - I love you and miss you everyday! Hugs & Kisses always! xoxo
Mommy!

My Sweet Alexandra, my Peanut

2008-04-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well here I am trying to start a blog for you, somewhere I can post my thoughts, feelings & just let you know how much I care and miss you. I hope I do you proud. I need to write about our story and I'm already crying, oh how I miss you.