Sweetie Pie Alexandra,
I have been trying to keep the thoughts of you being peaceful and safe in my head and push out the sad ones but sometimes it's just too hard. My feelings of missing you knock me down and I cry at the littlest thing. I feel like a weak broken shell of who I use to be.
I have been short with Tommy this last week and feel like you knew I wouldn't be able to handle two children. Are these thoughts just ones of missing you so much or do they hold weight?? I've been asking you to find that soul to bring to us and let us take home, but I'm scared that this is something that just won't happen.
I need to find a way to be more patient with Tommy and I'm trying to be the best parent I can and at the same time learn to live with being without you. Please send me strength cause sometimes the sadness is just too much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Friday, August 8, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Stronger Days??
My Little Peanut,
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went up to the farm this weekend with friends and did some camping. I always worry whenever I am going to be around baby girls but this weekend was different. For the first time I was able to remove myself from seeing you in every baby girl I see. I have my own moments with you now. Instead of being knocked over the head with the 'what should have been' thoughts when I see a baby girl - I seem to be thinking of you more on my own. Us having our own little conversations. I hope you could feel me sending up my love and thoughts to you last night while I was starring at the stars. I really miss you but feel that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you are still searching out your little Brother/Sister!!
Sorry - I had to take a moment to have a good cry and I feel pretty foolish as I was just about to write how strong I have been feeling these last couple of days.
You are loved & missed EVERY SINGLE day!
Higs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went up to the farm this weekend with friends and did some camping. I always worry whenever I am going to be around baby girls but this weekend was different. For the first time I was able to remove myself from seeing you in every baby girl I see. I have my own moments with you now. Instead of being knocked over the head with the 'what should have been' thoughts when I see a baby girl - I seem to be thinking of you more on my own. Us having our own little conversations. I hope you could feel me sending up my love and thoughts to you last night while I was starring at the stars. I really miss you but feel that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you are still searching out your little Brother/Sister!!
Sorry - I had to take a moment to have a good cry and I feel pretty foolish as I was just about to write how strong I have been feeling these last couple of days.
You are loved & missed EVERY SINGLE day!
Higs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Bad Things Happen To Good People
A Friend of mine posted this note on her blog and when I read it I got goose bumps. It helps me to look at things a little different. I just wanted to share. So thank you (you know who you are) for writing something so precious.
Immediately after (my son) died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this.
That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something.
I ran through all the different reasons in my own head of why I might be chosen to be punished and tortured like this.
And then at some point it came to me.
I wasn’t being punished.
How could being the mother of such a beautiful tiny child be considered a punishment?
And as I look around me (figuratively speaking) I see so many other women, good women, compassionate women, loving women, going through the same torture.
It can’t possibly be a punishment for wrongdoing.
And I have come to believe that we were chosen, to be the mothers of these babies that were not destined to live on this earth with us, because we are strong. We are loving. And we will love these little lost children for the rest of our lives, and honour them in every way we can.
So yes, we were chosen. But not because we were bad people.
Rather, because we are good people.
Because we have it in us to honour these little people in the best way.
It takes an incredible woman to lose their child, and still love and honour them every single day.
Immediately after (my son) died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this.
That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something.
I ran through all the different reasons in my own head of why I might be chosen to be punished and tortured like this.
And then at some point it came to me.
I wasn’t being punished.
How could being the mother of such a beautiful tiny child be considered a punishment?
And as I look around me (figuratively speaking) I see so many other women, good women, compassionate women, loving women, going through the same torture.
It can’t possibly be a punishment for wrongdoing.
And I have come to believe that we were chosen, to be the mothers of these babies that were not destined to live on this earth with us, because we are strong. We are loving. And we will love these little lost children for the rest of our lives, and honour them in every way we can.
So yes, we were chosen. But not because we were bad people.
Rather, because we are good people.
Because we have it in us to honour these little people in the best way.
It takes an incredible woman to lose their child, and still love and honour them every single day.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Sad, Happy, Sad......
My Sweet Little Peanut,
First let me say I just miss you to pieces. I wish so much for you to be here with us.
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy headed out for a drive today and to meet up with friends. It was such a beautiful day. We were in the convertible with the sun shining down on us. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I felt 'good' deep inside. I raised my face towards the sun and just let the warmth sink in. I felt good. As soon as I felt good, I felt horrible. I was enjoying this family outing without you. My eyes filled with tears and the guilt consumed my heart. I hope you know that I just want you with me. I wish you never had to leave.
Well I made it through the rest of the day and you are never far from my thoughts. Daddy and I hit the hot tub tonight and we both saw a shooting star. We were both thinking the same thing because after I said, "did you see that?" and the way your Daddy answered me, I know we thought it was a sign from you. So you were with us today.
Come for a visit to Mommy & Daddy - we miss you so so so much.
I love you and miss you every day!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
First let me say I just miss you to pieces. I wish so much for you to be here with us.
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy headed out for a drive today and to meet up with friends. It was such a beautiful day. We were in the convertible with the sun shining down on us. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I felt 'good' deep inside. I raised my face towards the sun and just let the warmth sink in. I felt good. As soon as I felt good, I felt horrible. I was enjoying this family outing without you. My eyes filled with tears and the guilt consumed my heart. I hope you know that I just want you with me. I wish you never had to leave.
Well I made it through the rest of the day and you are never far from my thoughts. Daddy and I hit the hot tub tonight and we both saw a shooting star. We were both thinking the same thing because after I said, "did you see that?" and the way your Daddy answered me, I know we thought it was a sign from you. So you were with us today.
Come for a visit to Mommy & Daddy - we miss you so so so much.
I love you and miss you every day!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
