My Little Peanut

This is a blog dedicated to my dearly loved and missed daughter.

Alexandra's Footprints

Alexandra's Footprints
"How very softly you tiptoed into our world. Almost silently; only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts." --Dorothy Ferguson

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday!

Special Little Darling!
Today is the second year of your special day my little peanut. I can't say we "celebrated" but Daddy stayed home from work & Tommy stayed home from school and together with Sarah & I we all just hung out - spending time together, thinking about you.
I have pictures to post but they are still on the camera - we decorated your tree again. You have some new ornaments this year too, so I'll have to post those pictures. It was snowing off and on today and I thought it was perfect with all the snowflakes since that is how I think of you sweetie.
I've been crying a lot these last few weeks. I'm sure some of it was just being afraid to face today, but most of it was because I still miss you like crazy and I still hate this whole thing. I still want you in my arms. I hate thinking about how I should have a 2 year old little girl running around. You should be here. I miss your visits soooooo much and I'm afraid you've left me now that Sarah is here safely.
I sit here bawling - missing you, feeling of guilt for not writing on here more. Please know that I think of you everyday. I guess these feelings will never go away.
Tommy told me that he pictures you peeking over a cloud looking down on us. This made me smile and tear up at the same time. I just wish you could physically be here, even more so since the visits have stopped. Please visit soon - we miss you oh so much.
You are loved and missed everyday Peanut!
Hugs & Kisses xoxoxoxo
I hope you are enjoying your special day up there with all those lovely little friends and with your great Nannies, Nanas, Grandads & Grandpas!!
Love, Mommy!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

22 months

22 Months - seems like yesterday at times.
Today is the 15th of October and a day to remember lots of your little friends my sweet. I'm glad I was able to have a good cry and talk to you, and with every flicker of that candle I felt like you were here with me.
Even though I don't get on here much these days, you know you are always in my thoughts and I still miss you like crazy. I still search for some kind of answer as to why I would have to lose you in order to have Sarah? Why couldn't I have all three of you? I still feel at times that I must have done something wrong to be given this life sentence of missing you, still trying to keep the lump in my throat down, holding tears back.
You know I thank you every day for sending Sarah to us, she's such a joy and truly has helped heal my heart as much as it can, but there will always be that piece ripped out - missing.
You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo
I love you Alexandra!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

20 Months

My Little Angel,
The other day was 20 months since I had the privilege of meeting my daughter but having to say good bye at the same time. I miss you. I don't even know what else to say. My heart is heavy but the fact remains that I just miss you. I thought about you all day (which I do everyday) but glad that I could talk to you hoping you were close by to feel what I was feeling.
Even now I sit here in tears hating the fact that I have this blog and not being able to hug & kiss you like a mother should be able to do with all her children. Still waiting for you to visit, hope you are safe my little darling.
You are loved and missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sleepless Night

My Sweet Little Girl,
Last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling crying silently begging you to come and visit us. I feel like you believe that you are no longer needed around us or are not thought of but just the opposite it true. We miss you so much and you are always in my thoughts. I see you so much in your little sister Sarah and thank you for picking out such a precious little soul to be here with us.
I hope you are safe and please know you are thought of every day!
Hugs & Kisses My Love,
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Another Summer Day

My Sweet Alexandra,
Another Summer day has gone by with you in my thoughts. I have so many pictures to post for you but seem to lack the time. Please come to visit soon, I miss you being close by where I can feel you near. I love you princess!
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

19 months

My precious Alexandra,
Today you would be 19 months old and I can only imagine what you'd be doing - making us all smile and keeping us busy I'm sure. I can't explain how my heart still aches for you everyday. I am very grateful for you sending us Sarah and I see you in her all the time, but I still miss you like I did before.
I sent you some balloons today with loads of girlie barrettes on them to you and right now I can hardly see as I have been watching them float away up to you.
I feel so guilty for not sending you balloons last month and on your year and a half too. I know you understand but I still feel that guilt and I don't want you to think I am not thinking of you.
I now need to think of some other way to have your special day - maybe planting a flower next month, lighting a candle another, something different each time. I did place your garden stone outside last month and it looks beautiful just like you. It is in the backyard instead of beneath your tree for two reasons - I didn't want anyone stealing it from the front yard and secondly I like the idea of it being in the backyard where we spend most of our time and it's also where Tommy's garden stone is. I just like the feeling of you being closer to us. xoxoxoxo
I'm hoping you will come to visit soon as you know I can't get enough of your visits. I hope you can see how great your little sister is doing and I'm trying to let go of my fears of losing her too. I've been crying alot today and just miss you like crazy. I called you Sarah today and I feel guilty about that too. Just please know you are always my baby girl and I love you sooooo much.
You are loved and missed everyday little Princess!
Hugs & Kisses my Dear!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Friday, May 8, 2009

Your little sister is here

My precious Alexandra,
I can't thank you enough for helping your little sister Sarah make it here safely. I have had so many emotions lately. Sarah looks so much like you my heart cracks each time I see your picture and know I will never hold you, hug & kiss you the way I am able to with Sarah. I know my "whys" will never be answered, but please know I still miss you as much as I did before Sarah arrived. You will always be my baby girl.
You are loved and missed every single moment of every single day my precious little angel.
Hugs & Kisses my love and thank you again!! xoxoxoxo
Love, Mommy!