Alexandra,
I have been trying to keep myself busy with work, the memory book, other things, but I can't find that peaceful 'new normal'. I feel like I never will. I miss you sooooo much, I feel my heart is completely broken in two.
I hope you can feel the love I have for you. I feel it so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. So many questions, so confused as to why this happened. Will I ever know? I look forward to the day we will see each other again & I can hold you in my arms & hug & kiss you!!
I love & miss you everyday!
Love, Mommy!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Memory Book
Hello my sweet dear,
I am trying to put together a memory book for you with all my pictures of you from our first ultrasound to our last moments together. It's harder than I thought because I just want everything to be perfect for you and it's hard to go to the store to get all the little crafty things. They are so girly and have saying like 'first tooth' 'first haircut' 'ballarina'. I will never get these things with you. It makes me cry but what doesn't now.
I miss you so much and just pray that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you can see me, your Daddy & Brother. Send us lots of love and come for little visits ok, because we miss you terribly.
Hopefully when I'm finishing pages of the memory book I will scan them and post them here, but sorry I'm not much of a scrap book type of person. : )
Little Peanut - go play and be happy with your little friends. Hopefully you have seen your Nannies & Grandads & gotten lots of kisses & hugs from them. But remember to come and see me! I miss you & love you everyday!!
Love, Mommy!
I am trying to put together a memory book for you with all my pictures of you from our first ultrasound to our last moments together. It's harder than I thought because I just want everything to be perfect for you and it's hard to go to the store to get all the little crafty things. They are so girly and have saying like 'first tooth' 'first haircut' 'ballarina'. I will never get these things with you. It makes me cry but what doesn't now.
I miss you so much and just pray that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you can see me, your Daddy & Brother. Send us lots of love and come for little visits ok, because we miss you terribly.
Hopefully when I'm finishing pages of the memory book I will scan them and post them here, but sorry I'm not much of a scrap book type of person. : )
Little Peanut - go play and be happy with your little friends. Hopefully you have seen your Nannies & Grandads & gotten lots of kisses & hugs from them. But remember to come and see me! I miss you & love you everyday!!
Love, Mommy!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Alexandra - December 15, 2007
A day I will NEVER forget. This day changed my life, my husband's life forever.
It all started on Friday, December 14th, 2007. I was Christmas shopping at the mall with my Mom & sister. I was 1 week over due and anxious to have this baby arrive. My husband & I decided not to find out the baby's sex and we wanted the wonderful surprise when he/she was born. Little did we know what type of surprise we were going to get. Well at noon I started feeling contractions and was very excited that it was starting. It had been a rough three weeks with 'false' labour, thinking my water broken, stress tests because the baby wasn't moving much. Each time sent home being told 'your water hasn't broken, you're not in labour, the baby is fine'.
My Mom, Sister & I headed to the hospital and I got hooked up to the monitor to listen to the heartbeat and waited for the doctor to see if I was progressing. My husband showed up very excited ready to meet his child. The heartbeat was good, the contractions were getting stronger and stronger until I could hardly handle it. My Doctor came in and checked me out and told me I WASN'T in labour. I started to cry - I must be, it hurt like hell, what else was it. I was told to go home and come back when the contractions lasted 1 minute. (Oh I was in the hospital for 4 hours hooked up to that monitor)
I went home in tears. 4 hours passed. I was in so much pain and then I started to bleed which I was told by the hospital that this was a preshow so now to come in to the hospital. Now I was excited. As we were leaving I went into my son's room, watched him sleep, leaned over and kissed his forehead and whispered "I'm off to the hospital to bring you home a brother or sister, sleep tight sweetie.' I will never forget doing that. I feel like I jinx myself.
We walked into the hospital excited to welcome this little peanut. THe burse took us into our delivery room and hooked us up to the monitor. NOTHING.... as soon as I heard that silence I just knew. We had never had a problem find the heartbeat before but I just keep praying they'd find it. Another nurse comes in, then another, then the doctor with the ultra sound machine. I remember whimpering my husband's name, saying somethings wrong. the tears were streaming already. Then the doctor looked at me and said,"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat" I couldn't help this horrific scream that came out of me - NO we were just here 4 hours ago, YOU SENT ME HOME!!!!! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Now my husband & I are left inthe room crying wondering what happened.............I still have to deliver this baby. I was scared so much. I didn't want to. No No maybe if I don't have the baby this didn't really happen..... I think I lost my mind that night.
The nurses drugged me up and I didn't deliver until 1:45am the next day. December 15th, 2007 I met my daughter, Alexandra. She was perfect, just like her big brother. She was 7 lbs and 15 oz. She had my chin and pinky fingers. She had her Dad's long legs and big feet. She was BEAUTIFUL. How do you say Hello & Good-bye in the same moment?
I think I was still in shock because I just did what people told me. You've got to give her back now. I didn't hold her long enough, I didn't want to give her back. I didn't take any pictures of us holding her, I didn't look into her eyes, so many things I would have done but I was just too numb to know. These thoughts haunt me.
Alexandra passed away due to a fricking cord accident. She had the cord around her neck 5 times and also a knot in it. I still don't understand many things & I never will until the day I am reunited with my precious little peanut. I use to be scared to die, now I have a little angel waiting there for me. So when my time does come, there will be no fear at all.
Thank you for reading my story, it helps to get it out, and I would love to have my daughter remembered.
Alex, peanut - I love you and miss you everyday! Hugs & Kisses always! xoxo
Mommy!
It all started on Friday, December 14th, 2007. I was Christmas shopping at the mall with my Mom & sister. I was 1 week over due and anxious to have this baby arrive. My husband & I decided not to find out the baby's sex and we wanted the wonderful surprise when he/she was born. Little did we know what type of surprise we were going to get. Well at noon I started feeling contractions and was very excited that it was starting. It had been a rough three weeks with 'false' labour, thinking my water broken, stress tests because the baby wasn't moving much. Each time sent home being told 'your water hasn't broken, you're not in labour, the baby is fine'.
My Mom, Sister & I headed to the hospital and I got hooked up to the monitor to listen to the heartbeat and waited for the doctor to see if I was progressing. My husband showed up very excited ready to meet his child. The heartbeat was good, the contractions were getting stronger and stronger until I could hardly handle it. My Doctor came in and checked me out and told me I WASN'T in labour. I started to cry - I must be, it hurt like hell, what else was it. I was told to go home and come back when the contractions lasted 1 minute. (Oh I was in the hospital for 4 hours hooked up to that monitor)
I went home in tears. 4 hours passed. I was in so much pain and then I started to bleed which I was told by the hospital that this was a preshow so now to come in to the hospital. Now I was excited. As we were leaving I went into my son's room, watched him sleep, leaned over and kissed his forehead and whispered "I'm off to the hospital to bring you home a brother or sister, sleep tight sweetie.' I will never forget doing that. I feel like I jinx myself.
We walked into the hospital excited to welcome this little peanut. THe burse took us into our delivery room and hooked us up to the monitor. NOTHING.... as soon as I heard that silence I just knew. We had never had a problem find the heartbeat before but I just keep praying they'd find it. Another nurse comes in, then another, then the doctor with the ultra sound machine. I remember whimpering my husband's name, saying somethings wrong. the tears were streaming already. Then the doctor looked at me and said,"I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat" I couldn't help this horrific scream that came out of me - NO we were just here 4 hours ago, YOU SENT ME HOME!!!!! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Now my husband & I are left inthe room crying wondering what happened.............I still have to deliver this baby. I was scared so much. I didn't want to. No No maybe if I don't have the baby this didn't really happen..... I think I lost my mind that night.
The nurses drugged me up and I didn't deliver until 1:45am the next day. December 15th, 2007 I met my daughter, Alexandra. She was perfect, just like her big brother. She was 7 lbs and 15 oz. She had my chin and pinky fingers. She had her Dad's long legs and big feet. She was BEAUTIFUL. How do you say Hello & Good-bye in the same moment?
I think I was still in shock because I just did what people told me. You've got to give her back now. I didn't hold her long enough, I didn't want to give her back. I didn't take any pictures of us holding her, I didn't look into her eyes, so many things I would have done but I was just too numb to know. These thoughts haunt me.
Alexandra passed away due to a fricking cord accident. She had the cord around her neck 5 times and also a knot in it. I still don't understand many things & I never will until the day I am reunited with my precious little peanut. I use to be scared to die, now I have a little angel waiting there for me. So when my time does come, there will be no fear at all.
Thank you for reading my story, it helps to get it out, and I would love to have my daughter remembered.
Alex, peanut - I love you and miss you everyday! Hugs & Kisses always! xoxo
Mommy!
My Sweet Alexandra, my Peanut
Well here I am trying to start a blog for you, somewhere I can post my thoughts, feelings & just let you know how much I care and miss you. I hope I do you proud. I need to write about our story and I'm already crying, oh how I miss you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
