My Beautiful Alexandra,
I guess today is the official day of our vacation starting. I know things would be different if you were here. I can't seem to let go of those thoughts. I seem to think about you being peaceful and safe and that makes me a little more calm, but then the feeling of missing you washes over me.
We are going camping today, something Tommy loves to do and we enjoy watching him get excited over the tent, camp fire, marshmallows, etc. You would have been almost 9 months old and I know you would have been sure a pleasure to have there. I'd have your playpen there, your little swimsuit, sunhat and toys. God I miss you.
My head is in such a strange place - I don't know which direction I'm heading in, so a visit from you would be fantastic.
You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut.
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
My Little Peanut Alexandra,
I needed to post your balloons that Machele sent to you!!! I think it is so sweet that someone I have never met before thinks about my precious baby girl too! Hopefully you are playing with her precious little one Macayla - I'm sure you guys were fast friends!! Make sure to watch over us, come for visits and send us strength & love!! We miss you Sweeties!!!!
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses my peanut!
Love, Mommy!! xoxoxo
Friday, August 15, 2008
8 Months
My Little Peanut Alexandra,
8 Months..........8 Months you've been gone. My heart is still filled with sorrow, tears, regret and just plain sadness. Day by day, moment by moment, one step infront of another. I've been told this, I even tell it to new Mommies of angels that I meet. I don't know what else to do.
I guess time has helped deal with the falls into the pit but the falls still happen. I now try to tell myself - "as long as you are peaceful & safe, I will be ok."
I look at your precious little picture and I ache for you, I have flashbacks of the day I met you. You're so beautiful, so precious, so tiny. I just wish I could have taken you home, seen your eyes, heard your giggle. I hate myself for being so frightened that I didn't even get a picture of me or Daddy holding you. I regret that so much.
So I sit here and cry at the computer thinking of what Tommy was like at 8 months and how you would be like that now. It breaks my heart.
Please come for a visit - I miss you so much and your visits always make me calm, peaceful and give me strength. Daddy needs a visit too - he's missing you so much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
8 Months..........8 Months you've been gone. My heart is still filled with sorrow, tears, regret and just plain sadness. Day by day, moment by moment, one step infront of another. I've been told this, I even tell it to new Mommies of angels that I meet. I don't know what else to do.
I guess time has helped deal with the falls into the pit but the falls still happen. I now try to tell myself - "as long as you are peaceful & safe, I will be ok."
I look at your precious little picture and I ache for you, I have flashbacks of the day I met you. You're so beautiful, so precious, so tiny. I just wish I could have taken you home, seen your eyes, heard your giggle. I hate myself for being so frightened that I didn't even get a picture of me or Daddy holding you. I regret that so much.
So I sit here and cry at the computer thinking of what Tommy was like at 8 months and how you would be like that now. It breaks my heart.
Please come for a visit - I miss you so much and your visits always make me calm, peaceful and give me strength. Daddy needs a visit too - he's missing you so much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Friday, August 8, 2008
My Little Girl
Sweetie Pie Alexandra,
I have been trying to keep the thoughts of you being peaceful and safe in my head and push out the sad ones but sometimes it's just too hard. My feelings of missing you knock me down and I cry at the littlest thing. I feel like a weak broken shell of who I use to be.
I have been short with Tommy this last week and feel like you knew I wouldn't be able to handle two children. Are these thoughts just ones of missing you so much or do they hold weight?? I've been asking you to find that soul to bring to us and let us take home, but I'm scared that this is something that just won't happen.
I need to find a way to be more patient with Tommy and I'm trying to be the best parent I can and at the same time learn to live with being without you. Please send me strength cause sometimes the sadness is just too much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
I have been trying to keep the thoughts of you being peaceful and safe in my head and push out the sad ones but sometimes it's just too hard. My feelings of missing you knock me down and I cry at the littlest thing. I feel like a weak broken shell of who I use to be.
I have been short with Tommy this last week and feel like you knew I wouldn't be able to handle two children. Are these thoughts just ones of missing you so much or do they hold weight?? I've been asking you to find that soul to bring to us and let us take home, but I'm scared that this is something that just won't happen.
I need to find a way to be more patient with Tommy and I'm trying to be the best parent I can and at the same time learn to live with being without you. Please send me strength cause sometimes the sadness is just too much.
You are loved & missed everyday my peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Monday, August 4, 2008
Stronger Days??
My Little Peanut,
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went up to the farm this weekend with friends and did some camping. I always worry whenever I am going to be around baby girls but this weekend was different. For the first time I was able to remove myself from seeing you in every baby girl I see. I have my own moments with you now. Instead of being knocked over the head with the 'what should have been' thoughts when I see a baby girl - I seem to be thinking of you more on my own. Us having our own little conversations. I hope you could feel me sending up my love and thoughts to you last night while I was starring at the stars. I really miss you but feel that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you are still searching out your little Brother/Sister!!
Sorry - I had to take a moment to have a good cry and I feel pretty foolish as I was just about to write how strong I have been feeling these last couple of days.
You are loved & missed EVERY SINGLE day!
Higs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went up to the farm this weekend with friends and did some camping. I always worry whenever I am going to be around baby girls but this weekend was different. For the first time I was able to remove myself from seeing you in every baby girl I see. I have my own moments with you now. Instead of being knocked over the head with the 'what should have been' thoughts when I see a baby girl - I seem to be thinking of you more on my own. Us having our own little conversations. I hope you could feel me sending up my love and thoughts to you last night while I was starring at the stars. I really miss you but feel that you are peaceful and safe. I hope you are still searching out your little Brother/Sister!!
Sorry - I had to take a moment to have a good cry and I feel pretty foolish as I was just about to write how strong I have been feeling these last couple of days.
You are loved & missed EVERY SINGLE day!
Higs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo
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