Just another day - without you

My Sweet little Love,

Today seems to be just another one of those days where I am missing you terribly. Started from the moment I woke up, thoughts of the day I found out you wouldn't be coming home with us filled my head in the shower, all morning and even now while I sit at work trying to concentrate on a floorplan - you keep popping in my head.

Why do I always seem to focus on the horrible moments, the saddest moments? I wish I could reflect back to looking at your tiny little face for the first time thinking how beautiful you are, how much you look like your brother & be filled with warm thoughts rather than just heartache and tears.

Just another day......

Hugs & Kisses my sweet little girl - you are loved and missed EVERY day!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Bad Things Happen To Good People

A Friend of mine posted this note on her blog and when I read it I got goose bumps. It helps me to look at things a little different. I just wanted to share. So thank you (you know who you are) for writing something so precious.

Immediately after (my son) died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this.
That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something.
I ran through all the different reasons in my own head of why I might be chosen to be punished and tortured like this.
And then at some point it came to me.
I wasn’t being punished.
How could being the mother of such a beautiful tiny child be considered a punishment?
And as I look around me (figuratively speaking) I see so many other women, good women, compassionate women, loving women, going through the same torture.
It can’t possibly be a punishment for wrongdoing.
And I have come to believe that we were chosen, to be the mothers of these babies that were not destined to live on this earth with us, because we are strong. We are loving. And we will love these little lost children for the rest of our lives, and honour them in every way we can.
So yes, we were chosen. But not because we were bad people.
Rather, because we are good people.
Because we have it in us to honour these little people in the best way.
It takes an incredible woman to lose their child, and still love and honour them every single day.

A Brother's Love

My Little Alexandra,
The day you lead me to the mall and I happened upon Pinky bum - I knew you wanted her. Your brother has the brown one we call Monkey Bum, so it seemed only appropriate. Tommy has noticed Pinky Bum on your shelf for a couple of days now and kept asking where his Monkey Bum was. I saw Tommy hugging Monkey Bum today and then I noticed he had placed his monkey Bum up with your Pinky Bum. It made me cry because I only realize more what could have been - Brother & Sister.
We love you and miss you so much.
Hugs & Kisses my little Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Rose Bush

Sweet Little Alexandra,
Your Auntie Wendy just planted a rose bush for you and I wanted to show you the lovely job she did. It's a beautiful pink rose bush and I think it is beautiful just like you. I love how there is one single rose there right above the angel. Precious.
I have a couple more pictures of your rose bush and it has bloomed some more beautiful flowers, it's so pretty.
Your family loves you so so so much, and we will never forget you - you are always on my mind!!!

So my precious little girl, shine down on us and let us feel you close by!

You are loved & missed everyday!!
Hugs & Kisses my peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

7 Months

Alexandra My Little Girl,

7 Months...sigh, The things we should be doing together right now won't leave my mind. I have walked around with tears in my eyes all day. Oh how I miss you!!!!

This little picture is of Pinky Bum (since your brother has a brown one called monkey bum) You lead me to this little monkey so I had to get it for you. I placed all the little bug buttons I sent up to you today on her, so I could have a picture to remember.

I'm not even sure what to type right now because all that's going through my head is "I miss you so much, I love you, why did you have to go??"

I've been asking for a visit, and I know Daddy needs one too - please visit us, we miss you so much.

So my precious little peanut - look out for your balloons with your little dragonfly, ladybug & butterfly buttons - I hope you like them!
I love you & miss you every day!
Hugs & Kisses My Little Darling!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Trying

My Sweet Little Alexandra,
Just thought I would let you know what's been going through my head lately. These thoughts have left me feeling somewhere in the middle of happy & sad - no man land kind of.
Mommy & Daddy have decided to try to have another baby. I am really hoping that you will help pick this little soul to join our family. I can't even type this without crying and feeling guilty. You know I would never try to replace you - I KNOW it can't be done!!!! I wish you were in my arms right now but I know you understand. We will need lots of strength from you to help us through this.
I'm excited and scared so much to get pregnant again. I had convinced myself that after having you I was DONE! My feelings have changed and I still want Tommy to have a brother or sister. I have heard conversations from other Mommies who have lost their dear babies like I lost you, wanting the next rainbow baby to be the same sex as the one who had to leave, but I don't think I really mind. I will ALWAYS have my little girl. Please just let this little one come home with us, grow up healthy & safe.
So my sweet little baby girl, start looking around for your little brother or sister. I love you & miss you EVERYDAY!!!!!!
Hugs & Kisses my Peanut!!!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxo

Long Weekend

My Sweet Little Peanut,

I missed you while we were away and thought of you all the time. Can't get the thought out of my head how our lives should be different right now. It still seems surreal at moments.

While away, I went into a store and as I was looking around I was drawn to something, and all I could think of was you. It's a little Dragonfly with pinkish crystals in it. I had to get it for you. You still are very much a part of this family and I hope you can feel that you are thought of while we are away on trips, you are thought of all the time and loved so much. We miss you and look forward to the day when we can hold you again.

Hugs & Kisses my little peanut!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxo