Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday!

Special Little Darling!
Today is the second year of your special day my little peanut. I can't say we "celebrated" but Daddy stayed home from work & Tommy stayed home from school and together with Sarah & I we all just hung out - spending time together, thinking about you.
I have pictures to post but they are still on the camera - we decorated your tree again. You have some new ornaments this year too, so I'll have to post those pictures. It was snowing off and on today and I thought it was perfect with all the snowflakes since that is how I think of you sweetie.
I've been crying a lot these last few weeks. I'm sure some of it was just being afraid to face today, but most of it was because I still miss you like crazy and I still hate this whole thing. I still want you in my arms. I hate thinking about how I should have a 2 year old little girl running around. You should be here. I miss your visits soooooo much and I'm afraid you've left me now that Sarah is here safely.
I sit here bawling - missing you, feeling of guilt for not writing on here more. Please know that I think of you everyday. I guess these feelings will never go away.
Tommy told me that he pictures you peeking over a cloud looking down on us. This made me smile and tear up at the same time. I just wish you could physically be here, even more so since the visits have stopped. Please visit soon - we miss you oh so much.
You are loved and missed everyday Peanut!
Hugs & Kisses xoxoxoxo
I hope you are enjoying your special day up there with all those lovely little friends and with your great Nannies, Nanas, Grandads & Grandpas!!
Love, Mommy!

22 months

22 Months - seems like yesterday at times.
Today is the 15th of October and a day to remember lots of your little friends my sweet. I'm glad I was able to have a good cry and talk to you, and with every flicker of that candle I felt like you were here with me.
Even though I don't get on here much these days, you know you are always in my thoughts and I still miss you like crazy. I still search for some kind of answer as to why I would have to lose you in order to have Sarah? Why couldn't I have all three of you? I still feel at times that I must have done something wrong to be given this life sentence of missing you, still trying to keep the lump in my throat down, holding tears back.
You know I thank you every day for sending Sarah to us, she's such a joy and truly has helped heal my heart as much as it can, but there will always be that piece ripped out - missing.
You are loved and missed everyday my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses!!!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo
I love you Alexandra!

20 Months

My Little Angel,
The other day was 20 months since I had the privilege of meeting my daughter but having to say good bye at the same time. I miss you. I don't even know what else to say. My heart is heavy but the fact remains that I just miss you. I thought about you all day (which I do everyday) but glad that I could talk to you hoping you were close by to feel what I was feeling.
Even now I sit here in tears hating the fact that I have this blog and not being able to hug & kiss you like a mother should be able to do with all her children. Still waiting for you to visit, hope you are safe my little darling.
You are loved and missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Sleepless Night

My Sweet Little Girl,
Last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling crying silently begging you to come and visit us. I feel like you believe that you are no longer needed around us or are not thought of but just the opposite it true. We miss you so much and you are always in my thoughts. I see you so much in your little sister Sarah and thank you for picking out such a precious little soul to be here with us.
I hope you are safe and please know you are thought of every day!
Hugs & Kisses My Love,
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Another Summer Day

My Sweet Alexandra,
Another Summer day has gone by with you in my thoughts. I have so many pictures to post for you but seem to lack the time. Please come to visit soon, I miss you being close by where I can feel you near. I love you princess!
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses Peanut!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

19 months

My precious Alexandra,
Today you would be 19 months old and I can only imagine what you'd be doing - making us all smile and keeping us busy I'm sure. I can't explain how my heart still aches for you everyday. I am very grateful for you sending us Sarah and I see you in her all the time, but I still miss you like I did before.
I sent you some balloons today with loads of girlie barrettes on them to you and right now I can hardly see as I have been watching them float away up to you.
I feel so guilty for not sending you balloons last month and on your year and a half too. I know you understand but I still feel that guilt and I don't want you to think I am not thinking of you.
I now need to think of some other way to have your special day - maybe planting a flower next month, lighting a candle another, something different each time. I did place your garden stone outside last month and it looks beautiful just like you. It is in the backyard instead of beneath your tree for two reasons - I didn't want anyone stealing it from the front yard and secondly I like the idea of it being in the backyard where we spend most of our time and it's also where Tommy's garden stone is. I just like the feeling of you being closer to us. xoxoxoxo
I'm hoping you will come to visit soon as you know I can't get enough of your visits. I hope you can see how great your little sister is doing and I'm trying to let go of my fears of losing her too. I've been crying alot today and just miss you like crazy. I called you Sarah today and I feel guilty about that too. Just please know you are always my baby girl and I love you sooooo much.
You are loved and missed everyday little Princess!
Hugs & Kisses my Dear!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Your little sister is here

My precious Alexandra,
I can't thank you enough for helping your little sister Sarah make it here safely. I have had so many emotions lately. Sarah looks so much like you my heart cracks each time I see your picture and know I will never hold you, hug & kiss you the way I am able to with Sarah. I know my "whys" will never be answered, but please know I still miss you as much as I did before Sarah arrived. You will always be my baby girl.
You are loved and missed every single moment of every single day my precious little angel.
Hugs & Kisses my love and thank you again!! xoxoxoxo
Love, Mommy!

Easter

My Precious Little Alexandra,

We missed you so much at Easter. You would have been almost 16 months old and I would have bought you a pretty little Easter dress. Sign. I know you were close by, you have been so good looking after this little peanut.

We had these little Easter bunnies on the table for Easter dinner and made sure that you got a little pink bunny!

Nanny and Grandad also got you this little Easter

Bunny that is sitting on top of your urn, and Mommy, Daddy & Tommy got you this little Giraffe for Easter. We miss you so much!

You are loved and missed EVERY day!

Hugs & Kisses my sweet little love!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

16 Months

Hello my little Princess,

Today you would be 16 months old. I can only imagine what you would be like. I know you can feel what's going on in my heart - how much I miss you. I sent you some balloons to you today along with 2 Balloons from Tommy's 4th Birthday Party. I know you were there with us, but I can't help but wish you were running around with the kids too.

I do hope you are close. I have just under 2 weeks to go before we meet this new little peanut. You have been such a good big sister making sure this little one is ok. Thank you so much. I feel like I'm scared to be happy - I hate it when people say I must be excited. Of course I can't wait to get this little one home but I'm so anxious - excited doesn't really come to mind. Many seem to think that once this little one is here that it will take away all the pain we have of losing you which is so far from the truth. I had a good cry in the bathroom yesterday, missing you, thinking of you. I know you know I miss you!

Well you are quite the little funny girl. I asked for you to take your balloons right away because it was windy today and I didn't want them being pushed into a tree - well you really did come a get them. I let go of them and whoosh - they were gone!!!!! Good girl. I love you!

You are loved and missed everyday little princess!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Your Name in the Sand

Alexandra My Little Sweet Pea,

I wanted to post this picture as it's very special. A family over in Australia does this for families who have lost little ones. Your beautiful name in the sand. It's so precious like you, it brings tears to my eyes. We miss you soooo much. I wish you were with us.

You are loved and missed everyday my love.

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Empty space

My precious Alexandra,
I find myself feeling so empty right now - which I guess I wasn't expecting being almost 9 months pregnant now. I just miss you so much, and find myself longing to hold you in my arms, kiss your face, smell you & just love you.
I'm sorry that I'm always asking you to watch over this new little peanut - I'm so scared something will happen. I know you're a great big sister to this peanut, I just can't get rid of this anxiety.
You will always be my little girl sweetie pie.
You are loved & missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses My Love!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

15 Months

My Little Princess,
15 Months we have been missing you. The weather is so nice today, I sent you some bright coloured spring balloons. I hope you like them.
I have been slipping into the pit lately and was scared today was going to push me so far down there but thankfully it hasn't. You must be close by. I could cry right now but I know I'm ok. I look at your picture and at times it seems like none of this is real. How could you be gone> How could you not be in my arms? How did this happen? Why did this happen? I know these are questions that will only torment, by they still find their way into my head.
Hope you have a great day today playing with all your angel friends.
You are loved and missed every day my little peanut!
Hugs & Kisses my Princess - just wish I could actually kiss your sweet soft cheek.
Love, Mommy!
xoxoxoxo

My Little Baby Girl

Alexandra,
You will always be my little baby girl. 20 years from now, my baby girl. You know you go with me everywhere I go because you are always in my heart.
I miss you so much and just long for the days where I could hold you, kiss you, take care of you.
I often find myself wondering what you would look like now being just over 1 year old, and I cry because we are missing out on that. I always seem to be crying now.
You are loved and missed everyday my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Just Thinking about you & missing you

My Lovely little Girl,
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and missing you - hoping you are safe and happy - helping all the other little friends you have made celebrate their heavenly birthdays. If there is a way to be more peaceful with all of this please let me know - the pain just seems to always be right around the corner. I don't want to be sad every time I think of you - it's just I miss you and what could have been so so so very much!
You will always be my baby girl and I will always be sending you lots of love!
You are loved & missed everyday my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy!

A Gift from Nanny & Grandad

My Sweet Little Princess,

Hello my Darling - I wanted to post this picture so you could see what your Nanny & Grandad brought you back from Florida. I think it is sweet that they are thinking of you - you are never forgotten my love.

Hugs & Kisses my Little Peanut!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

14 Months

My Little Princess,

I know I'm a day early - but we're going up to

Nanny & Grandad's farm and won't be around tomorrow, & I didn't want to be late sending you some balloons. I made them all red for Valentine's Day ; )

14 Months - you know it still seems like yesterday at times - I have started having dreams again of the day I delivered you - it instantly brings me to tears - I wish things had turned out so different.

I'm sure you can tell that I'm really starting to have anxiety about this new little Peanut. I am having flashbacks of things turning out the same and I try to convince myself it will be different - I'm just so scared. So please watch over this new little soul because I know you are a great big sister.

Your Big Brother was asking questions about you again. I love that he asks, just wish I were stronger to have the answers for him.

Anyway my Love, I hope you are having a great Valentine's Party with all the other little angels.

Enjoy the balloons!!

You are loved and missed everyday precious!

Hugs & Kisses!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Valentine's Day

My Sweet Little Alexandra,

Happy Valentine's Day my sweet - When I was picking up a little gift for Tommy & Peanut for Valentine's Day of course I had to get you something. This little Elephant just called to me - so cute and sweet. We call him Huggies as Tommy calls his Hugs.

I just wish I were giving it to you in person - I know you know how I feel. I hope you can feel all the love I am sending to you today!!

You are loved and missed everyday my little princess!

Love, Mommy!

xoxoxoxo

My Sweet Little Girl

Dear Alexandra,
Today was a strange day. I've had a cold for the past few days, and I think I'm feeling run down. I started to move some of your stuffed toys off the crib and into your memory box. It just broke my heart all over again.
I'm so glad to have another chance at bringing home a baby, but with that comes huge fears and guilt. I hate having to move your things mostly because I want you here with me! Please know when I put your things away that I am not putting you or our memories away - I could never forget you. Your little brother or sister as well as Tommy will know who you are and just how much you mean to us.
Tommy asked me today a lot of questions about you - he asked if you had a house or if you lived in the clouds. How do I answer that to a 3 year old?? He asked if you come down here and I told him that you visit us - which I hope you still will cause I am just missing you so much.
I had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound the other day, and while I was walking out I saw a brand new baby, laying naked on a change table and I had flashbacks of you only difference was this baby was crying and you were silent - A horrible horrible silence - I will never forget it.
Oh Alexandra my precious little girl - who's name your Daddy & I knew we would call our first daughter years before you were to join our family. You are missed so much, sometimes I feel like my chest is going to burst.
Alexandra please know you are loved and missed everyday!
Hugs & Kisses my dear!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Great Friends

My Lovely Little Peanut Alexandra,

I have been a bit lazy getting some photos downloaded but I really wanted to share this one with you.

For your 1 Year Heavenly Birthday I was surprised by a package that arrived from a wonderful friend Machele (I'm sure you've met up with Macayla). Miss Machele made a beautiful cross stitch with a snowflake (what I always think of for you) and your name. It is so precious. Imagine someone that I have never met personally, and only through expressing and going through our grief together to take the time to do something like this for us.

So Machele - thank you from the bottom of my heart - Macayla you have one very special Mommy!

Alexandra my peanut - we have some very special friends!

You are loved and missed everyday my love!

Hugs & Kisses!!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Thinking of you

My Little Alexandra,
I've been thinking of you so much lately. Wondering if you are close by, wondering if I am doing you proud, wondering what you are thinking as you look down on us. I feel so confused sometimes - i wish I could just stay in bed all day. I am so nervous with this little peanut, I'm hoping you are watching over him/her. I don't think I could handle going through this again if something were to happen. I have heard so many stories, I know so much can go wrong, and ll I wanted and want to do is keep my babies safe. Why can't I do that? I feel like a bad Mommy. I try so hard.
Your Dad ..... oh your Dad, I don't even know what to say. I don't know if he's just handling things different, but I can't handle him pulling away from me. I feel so lonely. I try to act strong, but inside I am crumbling.
Please come for a visit - I need to feel you close by and give me some strength. Oh I miss you so much my little peanut.
You are loved and missed everyday my love.
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

13 months

My Sweet Little Princess,

13 months you have been gone. I know you are in my heart and I try not to think of all the time you have been out of my arms, but whenever the 15th rolls around, I can't help it. You are always on my mind, the 15th just holds a special part of my heart for you.

I sent you some balloons with a little dolly and some flower barrettes - wishing I were putting them in your pretty blonde hair, but alas, this is the way it is going to be.

I'm still here waiting for a visit, wondering way you haven't been by - maybe busy watching over this little peanut?? I hope you know that you'll never ever be replaced. God how I miss you.

You are loved and missed everyday my little love!!!

Hugs & Kisses Princess!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Florida New Year's Trip

My Dear Little Alexandra,

I want to say Happy New Year, but I know you know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm trying to be positive and feel that this year will bring only good things. I'm hoping that this new little soul makes it here with us safe and sound, and everything will be ok, but you and I know just how scared I really am. I am also trying to be stronger for you, help other Mommies that have been put in this same horrible situation.

So while in Florida to ring in the New Year, Mommy, Daddy & Tommy went to Disney World. Sometimes I would find myself tearing up seeing all the lovely little babies, wishing you were here with us, feeling that empty space in my heart. Well of course I couldn't resist getting you something. This little Tinker Bell stood out to me and I instantly thought of you.

Hoping you are safe and close by - you are loved and missed every day!!

Hugs & Kisses Peanut Butter!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Christmas time

My precious little Alexandra,

I know you were with us this Christmas, I just believe it in my heart. I wanted to post some pictures of the toys and meaningful things friends and family got for you:

This lovely little angel is from your Nanny & Grandad - she is the "Thinking of you" angel. She also sits on your shelf with you, making sure you are safe.

This Silver snowflake is from Mommy, Daddy & Tommy. We always think of you as our little snowflake since you are so beautiful & unique but only here for a little while.

This little gang of cuties are from Mommy & Daddy (White Angel Bear), Great Aunt Janet & Uncle Ken (Santa), Nanny & Grandad (Snow Lady), Tommy (Reindeer), and the Santa rattle I bought for you last year before we had to say hello & good-bye at the same time.

Alexandra, I can't tell you enough just how much you are missed. You are thought of everyday and if I could change the way things turned out, you know I would do it in a second. Thank you for being close by this Christmas and giving us the strength to keep living. Oh how I miss you!

You are loved and missed every single minute of every single day! Hugs & Kisses my precious little girl!

Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo

Some Gifts from your 1 Year Heavenly Birthday

My Little Alexandra,

We have such wonderful friends and family. I know I already posted some pictures of the ornaments family & friends got for your tree, well we also had some wonderful friends (Jenny & Fraser) who dropped off this beautiful angel for you. She sits on the shelf with you, watching over you, keeping you safe.

We love and miss you everyday precious!!!

Hugs & Kisses!

Lov Mommy! xoxoxoxo

New Year

Alexandra - my little princess,
Just got back from Florida, but I know you were there with us. You always are no matter where we go. I love you and miss you so much.
Even as I write, trying to get out how much stronger I am going to be this year - my eyes fill with tears. I'm sorry I can't be stronger - I am trying.
I have some Christmas pictures to post for you, so as soon as I get myself sorted I will get them up here.
Now I don't think I've posted about this - but I wanted you to know how much I am grateful to you for picking out a new little soul to join our family. I have started to feel this little one move, and I am trying to stay positive. (Even though I get very anxious still) I don't want to have to bury another child. Please look out for this little soul. God I miss you. Please come and visit me soon!
You are loved and missed every day my love!
Hugs & Kisses!
Love, Mommy! xoxoxoxo